You don’t necessarily have to wait until marriage to begin to deal with certain marital issues.
This is one aspect of pre-marriage conversations that many people hardly bother with.
Since it is often said that prevention is better than cure, it becomes absolutely necessary for courting, engaged, or other couples in serious committed relationships to discuss the following things;
In-laws
The matter of bad in-laws is quite terrible that I hear some ladies now pray to marry a man whose mother is long dead before they even meet him.
Let’s even forget how absurd and terrible that kind of wish is; the truth still remains that not all mothers or fathers-in-law will be dead by the time you meet your partner, so it’s best you prepare to relate with them because they will be present in your married life whether you like it or not.
Clashes often arises when couples feel divided or threatened by by in-laws. So discuss well what your spouse’s relationship with his/her parents is like, so as to judge if they are still tied to mommy’s apron, or mentally mature enough to stand up and resist unnecessary interference from daddy. You really need to discuss this properly, really.
Money/Finance
This one does not really need much explanation as it is well-discussed matter already. All that’s left to do here is to remind you to ensure that you ask the right questions.
Don’t just ask him how much he earns, or how much of her salary she saves. Ask of their relationship with money, which is basically asking them to give you a recap of their financial history.
You should also not shy away from asking them about their financial strengths and weaknesses [Yeah, some people can spend their last kobo on clothes, and shoes… and for some, it’s just sports betting… smh.]
Please ask them to tell you about their financial dreams and goals, too.
The cause of a million fights in relationships. Money is said to be the number one cause of disputes in relationships. How are the bills going to be paid? How are they going to be split? Are there outstanding debts that could potentially mess up your lives?
The truth is couples come from different backgrounds. Their approach to money and its uses may differ. One may have a taste in high end brands and the other may consider it better to buy second hand. If that is not sorted out, with both parties coming to a compromise, there is a gonna be a clash.
If one partner makes more money than the other, and sometimes if one partner does not work? What happens? What if you lose your jobs or are not able to work?
One partner may be invested in making sure the numbers line up, the other may not be so inclined.
Here is a list of other money related questions to ask;
1. How do we manage our finances?
2. How many accounts should we have?
3. Do we operate a joint account? yes, No. What percent of our finances do we contribute to a joint account?
4. Insurances?
5. How do we fund our vacations?
6. Do we buy a house or are we renting?
7. What is your definition of affordable?
Sex
We understand that they told us in church to shun pre-marital sex. [Amen]
However, I don’t think anyone will ban you from you from pre-marital sex-talk.
Yes, pre-marital sex-talk. Please talk about it. The fact that you are contemplating marriage with someone essentially means you are sexually attracted to that person, and that y’all are planning to do the do soon.
So there’s no sense in being too shy to ask him how often he thinks you should be having sex in a week, ask her into which hole she prefers to have it [clears throat], also ask about that body count.
Yes! The body count actually counts, too, and try to be as open and honest with your answers as possible.
Babies and contraceptive techniques
How many babies do you ideally want? What is the spacing between births going to be like? What techniques of contraception do you think we should use.
Here is a quick summary about these discussions couples need to have;
1.There is no hard and fast rule on what to discuss. So basically I interpret this to mean there are no right and wrong answers.
2. Based on the individuals, there are different things that matter to them.
3. Sometimes, one partner may see something as important and the other may see it as inconsequential.
4. If something is important to you, its better to let your partner know why that is very important to you.
5. In general, there are some basic things that really do need to be discussed/disclosed, as they might end up causing problems in future.
After you have settled that you want to really be together, here are foundation issues you should talk about. They are called foundation, because they are the bedrock for which your relationship is built. However you deal with them, may determine if your relationship stands the test of time.
BELIEFS
This is one area that cannot be swept under the carpet, and it is not limited to just religious affiliation. Even people within the same religious setting, do not all share the same views, how much more those of varying faith.
Your views on faith is very important, and it should be your starting point.
ISSUES CONCERNING YOUR PAST
The past has a way showing up when you least expect, so if you intend to be long term with someone, its best to hash out some of the things that could be a source of trouble in future. Let them know what they are signing up for before they do.
Criminal records
Do you have a criminal record? Have you ever been in jail before? What crime did you commit?
Have you been married before?
Do you have any secrets that could haunt us? Is someone looking to kill you?
Have you had any abortions that resulted in complications that could hinder you from having kids?
Ensure you both agree on all the points as that will help you to understand each other better and prepare for your future home. Don’t try to win an argument but rather see things from the other person’s point of view and then come up with a mutual agreement. Suspend any issue you can’t agree on till another time to allow time to think or ponder over it well.
Also note that the key point is that you hide nothing from your spouse as you both discuss your Past, Present and Future. Tell your partner about your past lifestyles but with the appropriate timing (let there be love, trust, and confidence before discussing certain issues)
In addition to telling stories about your childhood and places you’ve been and past life experiences, Discuss the following and every other thing:
Categories of spending in budget
Who is responsible for what in finances?
How to work together on bookkeeping, paperwork
Debt
Credit cards, ATMS
Used vs. new – cars, clothes, etc.
Tithes, offerings, benevolence (giving to people)
Savings
Investments
Relational
Balance of job and family
Overtime work – evenings and Saturdays
When wife disagrees with husband – what should happen?
Should any information be withheld from a spouse? If so, what and when?
Decision making – What is the wife’s role? What is the husband’s role?
Role of father and mother in relationship to children
What if the wife is negligent in an area of her responsibility?
What if the husband is negligent in an area of his responsibility?
What are the basic responsibilities of a wife?
What are the basic responsibilities of a husband?
What role do in-laws play in a marriage?
How to handle disagreements with parents or in-laws
Care of elderly parents and grandparents
Holidays – with extended family or at home?
How important is the extended family?
Ever consider moving far away from extended family? Under what conditions?
The role of seeking counsel when making decisions
When is it appropriate to reject the counsel of others?
Role of female friends in wife’s life
Role of male friends in husband’s life
What if the spouse is going against the clear teaching of Scripture and church leaders?
How to resolve disagreements and offenses? How soon? What compromises are you willing to make? Who has the final authority in areas of disagreement?
How much time do you want your spouse spending on activities away from home without you?
What are specific ways that a wife can serve as a helper to her husband?
Do you like lots of company, or do you prefer more time to yourself and alone with your family?
Do you want to use the service of a housemaid, if yes, what should be the sex and age of the housemaid and at what point in time will you need a housemaid?
What type of dress is appropriate and inappropriate in courtship or when married.
Do you like lots of company, or do you prefer more time to yourself and alone with your family?
Food
Choice, favorite meals, preparation, restaurant etc.
Division of responsibility in home
i.e. emptying garbage, keeping the car clean, yard work, housework, cooking, shopping, etc.
What are your fears, likes, and dislikes?
Your personality and values.
Cars.
Education
Schooling options
What are the goals you seek to reach as you school your children?
What subjects are most important?
Would you consider having others teach your children certain subjects?
Schooling methods
Music education
Scriptural instruction – how and when
What is the father’s role in home lessons or tutorial and homework?
What is the mother’s role in home lessons or tutorial and homework?
Church
Church vs. family – is one higher priority than other?
Time commitment to church vs. family
What about mid-week activities and meetings?
When and what would lead to leaving or changing churches?
How to handle disagreements with church leadership
Youth groups and youth activities without families
Church attendance – frequency of going to church services
Bible doctrines & beliefs.
Time
Morning person or night person?
Arrive early or late to commitments?
How much time for work vs. how much time for play?
Use of leisure time
What are appropriate uses of leisure time?
Reading materials
Regarding movies, games, etc.
TV?
Vacations
What makes a good vacation? How often? What are inexpensive alternatives for young families?
Background music or quiet?
Medical
Standard medical practice vs. alternatives – do you use traditional medicines or just orthodox?
What necessitates a doctor visit? What other alternatives are there?
Prenatal care and birth options
Diet preferences – homemade, package, whole grains, etc.
Political
Does wife vote according to husband’s direction or by her own conscience after his counsel?
What if wife disagrees with husband?
When is resistance to government appropriate?
Dreams & Goals
Desired accomplishments
Writing? Business? Etc.
Travel – when, where, how much
Family, Home, estate, vacation etc.
Cultural differences (if applicable)
HOUSEHOLD CHORES
This might not seem like a big deal, but it is. There are people who feel like certain responsibilities are the exclusive preserve of a certain gender. Find out how your partner views household duties, gender roles. What are the expectations? How do you manage those expectations?
Not talking about this can build up resentment. One partner can end up feeling overburdened and that is unhealthy for your relationship.
Issues every couple needs to discuss about for a lasting relationship
PARENTS/RELATIVES/DEPENDENTS
Your parent and relatives are an important part of your life.
How do you want to relate with them after marriage?
How often will you be going to see them or will they be coming to see you?
Will any of your relatives be living with you?
Do you have an relative you detest? How do we relate with them in the long run?
UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES
We do not pray for bad things to happen, but when they do, what happens?
You may not necessarily know how one may react, until faced with a situation. But at the very least, you can have an idea of their thought process. The bottom-line is you have to determine if your partner is dependable and can be counted on.
Do they love you enough to be there? How supportive will they be when times are hard?
Life can hit in different ways, far beyond dreams and imagination .
Talk about scenarios. What if one of us loses the ability to walk? What if one of us lost a job? How about if we got pregnant and we had to choose between saving the mother or the baby?
If you have reason to doubt answers to any of these, it may be best to call it quits.
It doesn’t have to be all bad scenarios. Even supposedly good things can cause a lot of problems.
What if one of us got a mouth watering job somewhere? Will you willing to pack up your life and move? Would you be OK with travelling for long periods, leaving your family behind, if you had a job that warranted that?
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
There will be conflicts and you have to find a way to resolve them. The how, is what you need to talk about. How would you handle differences in opinions, political views etc.
At the end of the day, its easy to talk because talk is cheap. The practice is another, but if both partners are sincere with themselves, then talking will do them a lot of good when the time to practice arrives. Love comes with a myriad of responsibility.
It always best to remember that you are on the same team, and not make these discussions an attack on the other’s personality or way of upbringing. This will not help the conversation in anyway.
When it comes to conflict resolution do you guys at any point intend to involve a third party? Because it would not be nice to find that one partner is discussing issues with a third party without carrying the other along.
IDIOSYNCRASIES/HABITS
So basically, idiosyncrasies are a mode of behavior that is particular/unique to a person. Everyone has an idiosyncrasy. They may not really be noticeable to you, but others around you can definitely see it. They could be something as little as constantly chewing your lips when lost in thought, or blinking your eyes continuously.
Can you cope with each others unusual habits?
CONCLUSION
The truth is no sincere person gets married with the intention to divorce.
These questions are not sure proof that your relationship will be all smooth. It just helps clear up some avoidable things and get the big picture of what you both want out of life. The fundamental things you agree on and the ones you don’t.
As much as you ask all these questions, it also worthy to note that situations change and sometimes people change, but you can balance it up with understanding and tolerance.
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